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Strategies on Handling Your Child’s Negative Behaviors

Just reacting to your child’s misbehavior is usually, too little, too late and rarely does anything from preventing these behaviors in the future, however, there is good news! Being proactive and following an action plan of strategies can prevent your child’s negative behaviors in the first place. To be successful in this new approach to help you control your child’s negative responses you will need a step by step method. It’s likely that your current methods are actually working against you and what you want to accomplish.

What is it that we want for our children? We would like them to think on their own, make decisions, to take initiative and to recognize choices and their consequences. Children are much easier to “like” and “deal with” and less stressful to be around when they do what we want. The big question is what is the pay off for them? Docile, obedient children are often motivated externally by disapproval, criticism or fear of punishment. Other children are well behaved and motivated by internal, personal needs that are not dependent upon others. How do you bring them to this point?

If your current discipline approach stresses self-management and personal responsibility, outcomes are not enough. Don’t settle for children’s externally motivated actions. The cost to your child is too high. These children make their decisions based on other’s needs. Complying and pleasing you is a source of recognition and approval but it only teaches them that they are worthwhile when they are doing what someone else wants. We say to ourselves that we don’t want this to happen but sometimes even our best intentions and seemingly harmless words and actions reinforce exactly that.

You can expect your child to cooperate with you but before that you need to decide what you can reasonably expect from them. Each child is a unique mix of talents and behaviors. Some of these will never change. Some traits may grow, some will lessen a bit but they probably, won’t go away because of developmental stages, temperament, heredity and environment. Remember your child’s behavior always has a purpose. You’ve probably asked yourself many times: “Why does my child misbehave?”

There is a reason behind most children’s behavior. Children want to feel accepted and to belong. When kids can’t or don’t belong with positive behavior they find out that misbehavior is a “pay – off” for them. Your children, believe it or not, whether consciously or subconsciously have a goal for their misbehavior.

Is your child an Attention Seeker?

If children believe that they can’t get attention in a useful way, then they seek it be misbehaving by doing something annoying (e.g. kicking a table leg, screaming, interrupting). Some children seek attention in a much different way – by doing nothing! (e. g. Dinner is ready and on the table and your child is still watching TV even after several reminders.) He is not “acting out” but this method is still a cry for attention.

Parent Strategies for Attention Seekers

• Ignore annoying behavior. Don’t say anything. Try not to look or act upset in anyway.
• Give your child choices:“ You can watch TV quietly or go out side and play. You decide.”
• If choices don’t work, do mention consequences: “Please do something constructive while I’m on the phone or you may not use the phone for the rest of the night.”

Is your child a Control Seeker?

When children feel that the only way for them to belong is to be the “boss”, they are seeking control of a situation. These kids want to control not only the circumstances but the desire to control their parents: (e.g. yelling at the parent: “You can’t make me do it!” or by throwing a tantrum. Usually the relationship between the parent and child in this situation is the escalation of the misbehavior; the parent gets angry and fights back. A cycle then exists that seems to never end but if the parent does give in, the child’s behavior stops.

Parent Strategies for Control Seekers

• Be silent.
• Leave the room or the situation.
• Try not to confront the child.
• Engage in another activity.

Is your child a Get Even Seeker?

Usually a child who seeks revenge, after losing a power struggle with the parents wants to get even with them. Children may say or do something that is both hurtful and harmful: (e.g. being rude, saying untrue things about the parent). The result is often an on going “war” between the parent and the child.

Parent Strategies For Get Even Seekers

• Refuse to comment or fight.
• Simply ignore the incident.
• Talk with your child when both of you are calm.

Is your child a Giving Up Seeker?

Sometimes a child gives up trying when something is hard for him: (e.g. school work or sports). It is usually an area in which the child feels unable to succeed. When a child gives up, the parents feel like giving up also. When this happens the child’s goal is met. The parent has agreed to expect nothing from the child.

Strategies for Giving Up Seekers

• Be careful not to pity your child.
• Encourage your child with your words and actions.
• Go to his sport events and say: “Wow! What a great catch! I know you could do it.”
• Go to your child’s school activities. You might consider saying: “Your story and illustration is the best! I really enjoyed reading it.”

-Joseph Joubert